TTC part 4 - Two week wait

Embryo transfer day. For the first time in a while this was uncharted territory, a complete unknown. The nurses were wonderful, they were genuinely so pleased we had managed to make 1 embryo (unfortunately the other 2 hadn’t continued to grow). For this procedure my fella was allowed in the room with me. I think he was a bit shocked when I stripped off and hoisted my legs into the stirrups without blinking an eye. At this point I was so used to it I would have done it in Asda if asked! I really liked the fact that he could watch on the ultrasound. He saw the catheter go in and the embryo being placed. We were even given a picture of our beautiful embryo! If it had worked, I think that would have been so special for a father to watch this incredible stage. (I tried to see but the bloomin’ nurses head was in the way). Funnily enough, it was the least invasive procedure of the whole IVF process.

Here she is. Isn’t she lovely? We were so proud. My little Egbert.  The photo went on the mantelpiece and I showed it to everyone. Seems a bit daft now. But this is the closest we had ever got, and the closest I had ever been to being pregnant. Something very strange happened to me once the embryo was transferred. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. It’s really hard to describe but I felt good! I felt the happiest I had felt in a very long time. I thought it had to be because this was it, this was our time. I felt so positive without having to even try. And so I embarked on the two week wait. Often, people say this is the toughest part but I loved it! They call it ‘PUPO’ – ‘pregnant until proven otherwise’.  I was determined to enjoy it. I spoke to my Egbert, stroked her, and made sure she knew she was loved and wanted. I caressed my tummy like I had always dreamed of doing. (Unfortunately, due to the lovely pessaries I had to take twice a day I also looked pregnant, at least 4 months, another cruel trick of IVF). Once more, I obsessively googled every possible symptom and read as many stories as I could of people in the 2 week wait. I even kept a diary. If you’re interested I’m going to post below. I must admit, I find the science fascinating. I’ve left out some of the gorier details!

3 day transfer

(3 days after egg collection - often it is 5 days in between collection and transfer if you have more embryos, to watch them develop and pick the best - but as we had only 1, we had a 3 day)

Day 1: The embryo continues to grow and develop, turning from a 6-8 day embryo into a morula (we had a 7 cell).

Day 2: the cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst. (A few mild cramps)

Day 3: the blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell (woke up to a really sharp pain on left hand side of uterus, feel heavy as if about to start period. Sore nipples)

Day 4: blastocyst continues to thatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus. (tiredness, sore nipples, lower back pain.)

Day 5: the blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation (cramps down right hand side, tiredness, rash where you don’t want a rash)

Day 6: Implantation continues. (period style cramps all morning, can’t stop eating! Lots of gas.)

Day 7: Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and foetus begin to develop (indigestion, strong twinge on right hand side (implantation – lots of people believe you can feel the moment when it implants)

Day 8; Human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG this is what pregnancy tests pickup) starts to enter the blood stream (tiredness, weeing a lot, thirst, slight headache, cramps)

Day 9: foetal development continues and HCG continues to be secreted (no symptoms)

Day 10: foetal development continues (no symptoms)

Day 11: HCG is now high enough to be detected a pregnancy.

Day 12: go to clinic for blood test and pregnancy test.

I held out till Day 11 before testing at home. There is a lot of debate about whether to test early or not. For me, I didn’t want to burst the bubble. But once I knew I would get a result I just couldn’t wait. After an agonising 3 minutes it was negative. I still didn’t really believe it. I spent all day googling for stories of women who had a negative on day 11 and a positive on day 12. Because it does happen. Because I thought it had worked. Because I thought I was pregnant.

We went to our appointment still with some hope. I gave in my sample and we were called into the room. We were in an out in less than 5 minutes. The conversation went like this: “I’m sorry, it’s negative. Stop taking the pessaries, they are the only thing holding back your period. It will be very heavy with lots of blood clots. I’ll make you a follow up appointment but the next one we have is in a month’s time.” And so we left, went to Asda and bought a shit load of alcohol.  

I mentioned earlier about IVF being cruel, and about how the pessaries make you look pregnant. Well, the thing is, they also mimic signs of pregnancy. So all of the above symptoms came from the pessaries. Deep down, even at the time, I knew the cramps were from my ovaries settling down after egg collection. I knew the gas (sorry), the bloating and everything else was from the pessaries. But I hoped! I was so full of hope and positivity!  

This is what I found so hard you see. I’ve never had an especially good relationship with my body, as I’m sure most women would say. But I feel like my body has failed me, lied to me and tricked me. I have put on a lot of weight which I’m struggling to shift, so I feel horrid, but more than that it let me down. Even subconsciously. What was it that made me feel that sense of peace? That happiness? That positivity? I feel completely disconnected and distrustful of myself and my feelings. That’s pretty hard to live with day to day.

And that brings us full circle to the day I started writing this blog, which was Day 13. The day after we found out our 2^nd cycle of IVF had failed.