Now what?

Once I got over the initial shock and disappointment I began to reflect a lot about what we had been through. We were so over the moon to get to embryo transfer that was all we could think about. But then I came to realise this simple fact:

In 2 cycles of IVF we had only ever managed to make one embryo.

This thought consumed me. I needed answers, I needed to know why. Why were we so unlucky?

To put it into a rough context - on average between 8-10 eggs are collected. Generally couples have several embryos left over to freeze. (On NHS frozen embryo transfer is still covered). Not always of course, every story is different.

Fun fact: For every woman who conceives a child through in vitro fertilisation, 15 embryos are made, and almost half of them are discarded during or after the process. 1.7 million Embryos have been discarded.

I say fact – it came from the Daily Mail.

If you remember, on our 1^st cycle I was given the wrong dosage of drugs and I produced 11 eggs. On the 2^nd cycle I was on the correct dosage for a woman of my age and I only produced 5. At the time, we were lucky to get a second go. But because they got the dosage wrong it completely masked the fact that I am what they call a poor responder. My body doesn’t respond properly to the drugs therefore I don’t produce enough eggs. Had we known this ready for our second go, we would have known that a) I am a poor responder and b) we are incompatible. With this knowledge we would have had a better chance of success – or at least of producing enough embryos to either transfer 2, or have some to freeze. They say they it takes on average 3 rounds of IVF to be successful. That is because the first cycle is diagnostic and this is very true. Because of the post code lottery nature of IVF most places only get one cycle and with the news this week that NHS funded cycles are being cut, and some even withdrawn completely, what chance do we infertile couples have?

In order for IVF to be successful for us we have 3 hurdles to get past, which is 2 more than most couples (I know I keep banging on about it, but that is the toughest part to come to terms with for me. I’m fully aware that everybody’s journey is tough and we all face different challenges)

1.      We have to produce enough eggs to give us a decent chance of success

2.      We have to make embryos

3.      The embryo needs to implant

4.      We need to keep hold of that embryo

I’ve added 4 because I am acutely aware that often couples have what is called a chemical pregnancy. This happens more than you realise and is because 70% (I think) of embryos formed have abnormalities and so your body gets rid of them in the first few days. Normally, you would have no idea it has even happened but obviously with IVF we are aware of every little step from the earliest stage. Miscarriage is something that affects so many couples and whether or not you have IVF makes no difference to this. I am thankful this is a pain I have not had to endure and my heart goes out to every couple who has had to go through such unspeakable heartbreak.

I have now had my follow up consultation. She made me cry all the way through by continually saying how sorry she was and how hard our journey had been (to be honest the couple who came into the waiting room with their 12 week scan, jumping for joy didn’t help. Yes I know, bitter). She thinks my ovaries are slow and there is a test for this called anti-mullerian hormone (AMH). It basically tests my ovarian reserve. You are kinda born with all the eggs you will ever release and over time your reserves deplete. This is why after the age of 36, it is harder to get pregnant. I’m unsure yet as to whether this indicates early menopause. Before, we were equally at fault/or blameless, whichever way you choose to look at it. Now, I know I am at least part of the reason why we have such trouble. Yay for me.

She recommends having this test and then having another shot at IVF armed with all the information we now have. The thing is, I don’t know if I can do it all again. In all honesty, I’m barely hanging on. I have my first counselling session on Monday (I’ll let you know how it goes). I mean, what is the long term impact of all of this? On my body? On my mental health? On my relationship? I always thought I was quite strong. It turns out I’m not really. I hear of these women who go through 11 IVFs and countless failures or miscarriages, and they still keep going. I don’t have that in me. I simple can’t do that. 5 years of negatives each month has chipped away at me, at my heart. I read an article about whether infertility defines a person. For me, at the minute, the answer is yes. It may not forever, but what I am going through now has changed me. It will change me for the future and it will change me as a partner, a friend and a mother. Because my future has changed. That returning hope I spoke about a month ago has not returned.

 I hope this will describe me, in the very near future.

As my bitterness fades and hope returns. But I feel like I will always carry a bit of that sadness with me. Perhaps not, only time will tell.

Ok, so in reality our options are this - have another go or adopt. Simples. Easy decision right? I think that my wonderful other half would want me to have another go but he would never ask me. He sees how it affects me and it makes him feel so useless. It breaks my heart. I plan to post another day on the effect of IVF on the bloke, who doesn’t get much of a look in really.

He wants to wait until after Christmas and see how we feel before making a decision. I hate not knowing, I find it very difficult not having a plan. The problem for me, right now, is that I just don’t want to do either. I am a huge fan of adoption. As far as I am concerned there is no better thing you can do for a child than give it a home. We have talked about it a lot and we both feel the same. In reality, it simply is not that easy. Adoption brings so many challenges.  The months of checks, waiting to go to panel, then waiting to be matched. What if you don’t bond? What if the child they match you with doesn’t feel right? How can you say no? What if it simply doesn’t work and you have to give that child back? I have experiences of children with attachment disorder, I know how challenging it can be. How much are we willing to try and deal with? I also know that it is incredibly rewarding, and I think we would be quite good at it. That any child we welcome into our home we will love and do absolutely everything in our power to provide them with a happy, stable and fulfilling life.

When do you let go though? All the dreams that have consumed me for 5 years. The positive pregnancy tests, dreaming of all the ways I’ll tell my fiancée. My name written up on the board at work ‘congratulations to Sofie on the pitter patter of tiny feet!’ Like the hundreds (it feels like) of colleagues. Sharing my picture of our ultrasound on Facebook. And that is before the joy of actually being pregnant, the conversations about names, nurseries, dreams of his or her future. I cannot even begin to imagine anymore what it would feel like to meet our child for the first time, to hold our baby in my arms, because it just hurts too damn much.

And that is where I leave you, for now. Until I have more news to share, or if I just need to rant! I want to thank you for reading. Apologies for all the self pity. Friends, family or strangers, your support helps more than you will ever, ever know. Lots of love. Xxx