Could this be our year?
Happy New Year everyone! Sorry it's so late. It's been a while I know. How are you? I'm doing pretty good :) Since my last angry, bitter post I have somehow managed to pick myself up. I'm must confess, I've never been as low as I was at that point. Dark days. But now, genuinely, I'm doing pretty well.
I have since had a few follow up consultations and tests that have revealed something key for me - I have a mild form of polycystic ovarian syndrome. For those of you who don't know this is a hormone based syndrome that affects 1 in 10 women. It is also the leading cause of infertility in women (although bizarrely, not in our case). It is a syndrome that 'strips you of your womanhood' - excessive weight gain around the middle - regardless of what you eat or how much you exercise - hair loss, hair growth, insulin resistance among what seems to be another 100 symptoms. This answers a lot of questions about me that I have had since my early 20s. I had alopecia and never knew why. I didn't ovulate properly. Over the last 3 years, perhaps, I have steadily gained weight on my tummy which I struggle to lose, never slept through the night, visited the toilet at least 3/4 times each night and fell asleep at around 7/half 7 most nights. The most common words out of my mouth was 'I'm tired' (my other half tried to make me pay a pound every time I said it at one point).
This is what PCOS can look like. Brave lady.
I visited the doctors for all of these reasons but nobody twigged until my fertility consultant tested my AMH levels and they were off the chart (this is all about how many eggs you have left - I have millions apparently. Be nice if they bloody worked!). She asked about PCOS, raised her eyebrows when I mentioned the hair loss and promptly booked me in for an ultrasound.
And there you have it, all these health issues were suddenly explained. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. This was a massive turning point for me. I began to research it and discovered although there is no cure it can be managed by diet and exercise. I changed my diet pretty quickly and over Christmas began to notice a huge shift in my mood. So I am now following a Low GI, low carb, gluten free diet - and to boot I was already a veggie. It is easier to ask what I can have, not what I can't have! Needless to say, the invitations for dinner have dried up!
But I feel like a different person and this has been noticed by family, friends and colleagues. I feel like myself again, like I have my spark back. It is tough, but it is most definitely worth it.
So how does this affect our TTC journey?
As I mentioned earlier this is not why we cant get pregnant. Tests have shown that I do ovulate. But it could explain why I have had such varied responses to the drugs. Our fertility consultant wants us to try again but on different drugs. We were all set to pay for one more go at IVF but I felt like I wanted to give myself a little time for my body to adapt to all these changes and also my mind and emotions to continue to heal somewhat (although the scars will never heal, of that I am certain).
So we agreed not to rush into it. We are enjoying not living in the IVF bubble and just being ourselves again.
And best of all, that feeling of hope that I had long given up on has returned. I am hopeful. This will be our year. I will (possibly? maybe? might? perhaps?) have a baby this year. Once more, I am imagining myself pregnant, mentally decorating the nursery, thinking of names. Foolishly, perhaps, but it is making me happy for now. We are working with a holistic therapist (applied kinesiology). I'm not to sure myself what this is but we have been offered this service for free so why the hell not. This lady is convinced she can get us pregnant naturally and so we are going to give it a shot. Nothing to lose right? It all seems bonkers but we don't have to do much and it isn't really costing us. It does mean going back to a bonking schedule, and back to that monthly roller coaster of desperate hope and resulting disappointment but I am willing to try for a little while at least. If it doesn't work hopefully our bodies will be at our peak of healthiness ready to deal with another go at IVF.
A huge thank you to everyone who has read this but mostly to my loved ones who were there for me every step of the way. I love you. This journey isn't over, and I may fall down again, but, for now, I am holding onto this thought........................
