TTC part 2 The phone rings.....zero fertilisation

The phone rings 

The phone rings. A quiet voice asked me how I am feeling. Then, asks me if I am alone. Alarm bells rang immediately. “I’m so sorry” she said. “It is bad news”. My heart beats faster. “None of the eggs fertilised”. I didn’t even know this was a possibility. I could barely speak. 

“So that’s it?” I said. “Our go over?” You see, your IVF cycle is finished as soon as eggs are collected. Not once the embryos are made. Not once the embryo is implanted. Nope. So that was it. Even the consultant said this is the hardest part of her job. It happens so rarely  - between 2% and 5% of people. 

“Why?” I managed to ask? “We don’t know. The sperm didn’t even try and penetrate the eggs. It’s like they repel each other. You are incompatible”. But we get on so well I thought. It’s a horrible thing to be told. You and the love of your life are incompatible. In a tiny petri dish his sperm and my eggs couldn’t find each other. Seriously? Do they need flash cards to help them recognise each other? (always a teacher). So we were devastated.

 I went on online obsessively trying to find answers. And one of the hardest things is there aren’t any. Not really. Through this journey the one thing I have found out for sure is that IVF is such a new science that there is still a huge amount people don’t know. But because zero fertilisation is so rare, no one seems to have done any research.  We had our follow up consultation and what we heard most was “we just don’t know”. Our eggs are good, his sperm is good. No-one knows.

There another procedure we could do called ICSI, which is where the best looking sperm is injected directly into the egg and this should combat the no fertilisation issue. But of course we have now used our NHS funding. So we decide to save for a year and see how we feel.

And I went back to work. Instead of being on the 2WW (2 week wait) I went back to work, all the time feeling like I shouldn’t be there, I should be patting my tummy, eating brazil nuts, not lifting heavy things and resting in front of Netflix. We felt so cheated and robbed of a fair go, like everyone else. We tried to appeal against our cycle being cancelled but were told IVF funding appeals NEVER EVER work. We were so, so angry and bitter at the world. 

And then the phone rang again…………..