So, I don't blog anymore, In all honesty I haven't known what to say. To see the stark reality written down is simply too hard at times, But we have survived the first year! A year ago today I first fell in love with my children. A year ago today I became a Mummy and we became a family. It has been the hardest and most challenging year of my life. I never could have expected the hurricane which engulfed us but also the depth of love, protectiveness and pride in our little family. My mum often tells me off for not being more positive, and she is right (as always!). It's hard when you live in the midst of such complex and exhausting emotions and behaviours to see the positives and really measure just how far we have come together. So that's what this blog is about! I want to celebrate our family, my children.
#glowmos means glowing moments. It is a twitter hashtag started to celebrate those moments which may feel small and insignificant to others but to us adopters mean the world.
The biggest change is that my daughter (known as Pixie for anonymous purposes) now wants me as a mother. She can accept nurture from me now (on her terms). She will sit on my knee, allow me to care for her when she is hurt or scared. She has let me feed her and change her nappy, She allows me to meet her needs (mostly). I credit this to Theraplay. Following on from the last post we asked for help and we have now had 17 sessions of Theraplay where a lady comes to our house once a week and facilitates activities to help us bond. One of the activities is blanket swing, We swing her between us gently in a blanket singing lullabies, Pixie loves it but has never been able to look at me, covering her face with the blanket. Session 17....she looked at me! She gave herself to me. She maintained eye contact as I sang to her. She surrendered herself to me. #glowmo.
She says goodnight to me now. It took 10 months for her to say goodnight as I left the room. Goodbyes are so hard for her as she never fully believes you will return. She is now much better and instead of saying goodbye we use a variety of phrases such as 'back soon big baboon', 'take care polar bear' and so the goodbyes are not as final. Now, she looks at me and says "Goodnight Mummy!" #glowmo.
I have been able to leave her for short periods. There is still payback and it is fierce and intense but relatively short lived, But I am at the point now where I have to leave her for my own sanity! I have to claw back some time for myself and I feel we can build up that trust that I will return. The last time I left her I met her again at the park. For the first time her face lit up when she saw me! She ran to me opened armed shouting "Mummy I missed you!" Yes, I cried. #glowmo
Pixie and her brother (from now on to be known as Pickle....and he is a little pickle) have not always been together. They have a complicated history. When they first came here they just felt like 2 children who lived together, without any real bond. Now...they adore each other! Watching their relationship develop has been an utter joy. He loves her deeply and she him. I'm so glad they have each other. He has a real ability to calm her and to break the mood. He is a beautiful soul and she loves him too. She always wants to play with him and make sure he has a drink/snack/treat if she has one. There are issues but on the whole they are best friends. They will always be, its an unbreakable bond. #glowmo
My son is an absolute delight! Loving, funny, happy, easy going. Cute as buttons especially with his glasses! I am yet to hear him call me mummy but I know he will one day. He loves me and needs me and I him. He gives me so much love and brings laughter to the house constantly. He is not talking yet but I am confident he will. Nothing gives me more joy than his little hand taking mine, looking up at me and smiling as he pushes his glasses up onto his face. Thinking of him a year ago on the cusp of being a little boy, not walking yet, is astonishing. For the first few months he was so quiet and placid we were worried, Now he has a huge personality and everyone who meets him adores him. #glowmo
Pixie now tells me she is hungry and asks snacks (constantly). This is amazing for her. She is beginning to believe we will meet her needs, we will make sure she is fed. She is checking that we will continue to do this. She regressed in terms of toilet training and needing nappies and also needing to be fed as a baby. She is now almost out of that regression. She is using the potty and is in pull ups. She feeds herself mostly and will ask for us to feed her when she needs it. I am so proud of her. #glowmo
We have days were we feel like a family. We have managed proper days out! We have managed Sunday lunch at my mums. We had a whole day out with a bunch of friends which involved going on a rowing boat and having a BBQ. A princess birthday party. We are slowly managing to expand our world and our experiences. Sometimes it doesn't work...but we are having successful days where it does. And its glorious! #glowmo
And on the anniversary of meeting them for the first time we had our bestest friends come visit us and meet the children for the first time. This is my friend I have known all my life. They are beautiful people with beautiful children. We went out for the day and had a picnic, paddled in the stream and went for a long walk, ending up with food with other family members. What was remarkable about this was watching Pixie with their little boy of the same age. They were so comfortable together! I have never seen her so relaxed or content around another child, They just got each other. They held hands and interacted beautifully all day. I didn't have to watch her for her triggers, on edge, waiting to intervene if needed. I knew she was safe, happy. I have never seen her like that. #glowmo
We still have a long journey ahead of us. We have battles to overcome. But, in a year, the progress really is astonishing. My children are so astonishing. I am so proud and so blessed. Family life has not quite been what I thought it would be but this weekend I have so much hope for our future.
Thank you to everyone who helped us get this far. #glowmo
