So, I've been wanting to write this post for 2 months. Every time I've begun to formulate it things have changed. Every time I think I've begun to make sense of something it has shifted. But I've come to the point where I think I have a reasonable understanding of my daughter and the effects trauma have had on her and I need to make sense of it to share with family and friends. There is lots I want to write about so apologise for any rambling but I want to focus (like pretty much all adoption blogs) on what it's like to parent trauma. Because that is what it feels like I am doing right now.
Firstly I want to talk about my boy. He had a very different life experience from his sister. However, we are still his fourth home, fourth set of people to take care of him. Although I potentially see signs of attachment issues he is too young to really know. He is developing into a very cheeky young chap! He constantly makes us laugh and seeks and openly gives warmth, love, affection, cuddles. It is a privilage to watch him grow and develop.
This post is primarily about my daughter. I am not going to go into details about her life story, that is her story to tell not mine. I'm also conscious that this blog will be out in the ether forever and I do not want to write anything which will make her embarrassed. I am going to use this however to help raise awareness of the effects of early trauma and to help friends and family understand so they can support her and us. We are blessed to have a huge amount of support and people who want to learn and understand. My daughter's first year of life has had a significant impact on how her brain developed. Because of this she lives in the survival, primal part of our brain which is all about the amygdala - or as we know it the flight flight response. This is all she knows. Everything is about survival for her. New experienced, new people are terrifying. Are they safe? Will they hurt her? Will they be taking her away? Will they be the next people she will call mummy or the next house she will live in? She is constantly hyper vigilant and this is utterly exhausting for her. This is less obvious to people when we go to visit people or places but that is because that is how she survives. She knows that to make sure her needs are met she must charm people. She also has an ambivalent attachment so she will focus on one person wherever she is within seconds of meeting them. She has no need for me then, she has got someone else to look after her. She will not look for me or come to me for help of there is another female in the room. This is also a really good opportunity for her to reject me. 'See Mummy! I don't need you!' In these circumstances it is really helpful if people redirect her to me "let your mummy help you...thats mummy job.....lets check with mummy first". She must control absolutely everything, wherever she is. She will not listen to anything. You cannot influence her play. She must be in control at all times.
She has developed a very push/pull relationship with me. She is desperate to love, to feel love, to be close but to love or to allow herself to be loved is terrifying for her. I need you/I don't need you. Pick me up/go away. I want to love you/i'm scared to love you. Any affection is purely on her terms. We are all so fleeting and temporary in her life what if she allows herself to love and we leave her? I left her for a day to attend a course on attachment and since she has paid me back and then some. (Ironic).She was so scared of being abandoned and now she is punishing me. 6 days of rage and hurt, disregulation and chaos. This is what makes her feel safe right now...to live in a world of chaos. To protect herself from being hurt again. To give us her trauma.
To let us know how bad she is feeling, how scared she is. To drive us away because let's face it we are going to leave anyway. She pushes and pushes and pushes. She screams and rages with a terrifying Intensity for one so young . So how do we deal with this? We have to get her to be in the limbic part of her brain. This is where her emotions can develop and her attachment can build. We swing, rock, jump and tickle. We remain calm. We do not leave her but we move her and her brother away to keep ourselves and him safe. We do not punish her but try to name her feelings. Give her space to rage until she is calm and then try and 'wonder' what she might be feeling. We tell her we love her and she is safe. The wondering is hard...whenever we try and talk to her she goes into freeze. She does this a lot when it's just to much for her to bear. She will leave us completely. I have been advised to bring her back from that immediatly, to ground her because wherever she has gone it is not a good place. So we say her name, touch her forehead, stroke her arm. But she hasn't listened and will not listen to any of our therapeutic attempts. She also spends a lot of time in flight... manic, disregulated, spinning circles. The equivalent of putting your fingers in your ears and saying "la la la can't hear you!" We also limit experiences which could cause her anxiety. This means no play groups, no new people. We provide her with consistency, stability and routine. And remind ourselves that this will not be forever.
Let me say this about my daughter....isn't she incredible???? She deals with this everyone day. Could you live like that? She is extremely quick and clever. She is so funny! She dances and wiggled her bottom. She loves bathtime, playing outside, exploring, play doh. She can use scissors, recognises her name and some letters. She says sorry. She tells me she is scared, worried but can't tell me why. Isn't that amazing for an almost 3 yr old! I am so so so proud of her. She is remarkable.
(I haven't mentioned here how much I have lost my temper with her. How I've been pushed so far I snap at her. How some days I can barely parent her. How many times I've watched her spiral out of control with no idea what to do, how to help. How I've stood crying feeling so guilty at how cross I am with her, how many different strategies I've tried and failed before giving up and putting the tv on.)
We have hit a set back. We have asked for more help. But I am still confident with the right support we will get there. Before I left her for a day we had made really good progress and I'm sure we will again.
