Hate

Everybody can piss the fuck off today. *disclaimer: if your offended by swearing this isn’t the post for you. I’m having a shit day today. I feel angry. Really angry. I’m sick and tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of waiting for something which may never come. I'm tired of not knowing.

This has become an illness. I am consumed by the need for answers and obsessed by the internet, which doesn’t give me any answers, only more questions, more speculation, more incorrect self-diagnosis. Last week I convinced myself that I was going through early menopause (false). This week I think I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome - possible. Waiting for consultation next week – although I barely have any symptoms. It’s a horrible thing to have – “the thief of womanhood”. I am desperately hoping I don’t have it.) I read everything. At least 3 times over. Nothing ever seems to quite fit my situation though.

 I feel so alone and isolated. I push away my friends – who are wonderful – but I don’t want to see them because what have I got to offer them? Misery, self-pity….I have nothing to say, nothing to give. Who would want to be friends with me? Why would anyone get any enjoyment out of spending time with me? I wouldn’t if I had a choice.

I’m tired of pretending I’m ok. I’m not.

What I say:

 I’m ok thanks, you?

This is what I want to say:

But I don’t. I go to work every day. I survive every day. Some days are easier than others, some days take everything I have. 

Today was one of those days. Today was my school’s Christmas fair and I was on glitter tattoo duty. What on earth was I thinking? Happy families, happy children, happy parents. Everyone getting excited about Christmas together. Everything I don’t have. We had hoped this time last year that I might be pregnant. Fucking hope. Hope can piss off. It doesn’t feature in my life anymore.

 I wanted to tell everyone how unfair it is. I hate everyone today. But I didn’t. I cried all the way there. Sat in the car for 5 minutes and got my game face on. I spent 2 hours talking to parents, entertaining the children. Got back in the car and cried all the way home.

I apologise for all the quotes. I spend a long time reading them. They comfort me because someone out there knows, someone out there understands. I am not alone. Counselling has helped. It has helped me understand I am supposed to feel this way. It’s normal. I’m not overreacting, I am going through a major life crisis. I am stuck in the stages of grief and I can’t move forward because there is no resolution, no acceptance, no end to this nightmare. 

Angry. Failure. Lost. Empty. Alone. Worthless. Sad. Tired. Scared. Wine.

That’s it, that’s all I have. All I am.

If I know you then I need to say this to you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I have become this person. I’m sorry our relationship has changed. I need you to know that even if I seem ok, I’m not. I need you. I need to you to bear with me. I need you to give me time. I need you not to give up on me.  I need you.

I’m so scared that you will think I am just attention seeking. I’m not. I don’t want this. I just want you to understand and sometimes I simply cannot find the words. 

I hate myself for even writing this post. But today this is all probably down to PMT. Gotta love hormones.