Sunday 24 April 2016

Letting go, moving on, giving up?

  • Hey. So it’s a few months after my last blog and this is where I am. I have worked with my applied kinesiology lady weekly over Skype - which is very weird - but she has been amazing - my doctor, my counsellor, my friend.  I have no doubt she has helped me in many different ways. But to cut a long story short this is what I have discovered:  
·        I don’t ovulate properly.
·        All these years of OPKs have been a waste of time as PCOS throws them off.
·        We have probably never got the BD timing right.
·        Taking my temps daily, checking my cervix, looking for signs of cm leads me to bad places.
·        I cannot do this anymore.

It all came to a bit of head when I was on a weekend in Mallorca with my best friend. Despite the fact that I could tell AF was on her broomstick I still kidded myself I was pregnant. The period pains were implantation cramps. The brown blood was implantation bleed. My temp dropping and staying low was implantation dip. I scoured the internet for similar stories like mine that ended in pregnancy. (there were none) Even though I knew. And as I sobbed on a Spanish beach (well, if you’re going to sob anywhere…) I gave up.

I gave up the dream of having my own child. Because this is slowly destroying me. I cannot do it. I am not strong enough, a fact of which I feel utterly ashamed. But a new friend on twitter recently said to me

“that the real strength lies in the simpliest things – like having the courage to be honest about the hardest things”


and I take heart from that. It’s time to be honest, I cannot do this anymore. I dreaded broaching the subject with OH but when I did he said to me “I never thought we would do IVF again anyway, it kicks the shit out of you”. Ah, love him. He made it so easy and he never once made me feel like a failure, or like I have let him down.

Of course I want my own child. I want everything that comes with being pregnant. But I didn’t ever feel strongly about having my own biological child. What I want is a family, and it seems crazy to continue this when we can be a family and create a family for children who desperately need it.


So, we attended an adoption open evening and came away feeling so excited! We have the forms to fill out. We have asked for a sibling group under the age of 5. We know it will be really tough but I feel so much lighter now. I feel like myself again. There is no pressure on me anymore and I won’t have to keep failing and failing and failing. I can rebuild myself.

We have a lot to grieve about and a lot to do. But I’m ok with that.
What better thing can you do with your life than give a home to children who need it?


I have never actually had a dream about being pregnant or having my own child. But this week I dreamt we adopted a little girl, with black hair, who was angry, and no-one wanted. So I think my subconscious is on board. And I think I always knew.

I always suspected this would turn into an adoption blog and it looks like that is what will happen. We have one more month with my lady trying naturally but I am moving on. Perhaps, as I mentally let go, a natural miracle will happen but I refuse to focus on that. I have committed myself to this now. And this is good.

So, no, I have not given up, just following my dream on a different path.