Adoption should not be a last resort!

Over the last few months I have been asked the same question quite a few times and it's really niggled at me.

The question is this...

"Why did you give up so easily?"

This question is in reference to the fact that we 'only' had 2 goes at IVF. Several things irritate me about this. Firstly 

Secondly, to be brutally honest, IVF is f*cking horrible. It is invasive, traumatic and nearly destroyed my mental health. It rocked my relationship more than I ever thought possible. The grief we felt tested us. Luckily, we found strength in each other too, and this overcame everything else. When you are in the IVF bubble nothing else matters. You think about nothing else. The constant push and pull of hope and devastation is exhausting and overwhelming. Ultimately, I decided that I did not want to put myself through it anymore and my husband did not want to watch me go through it. And, we are both sooooo much happier to be out of that world. Don't get me wrong, I completely admire people who keep going through the process again and again but stopping treatment was the right decision for us. 

Thirdly, and very importantly, I do not see this as 'giving up'. I am not giving up on my dream to be a mother, for my husband to be a father, for us to have children and be a family.  I will still have all of these things, we have just taken a different path. The adoption process is also pretty tough. It's been a lot longer than I anticipated and the scrutiny, at times, has been unbearable. The questions, the repetition, the pulling apart of our relationship, the paperwork, our finances, our home and our family and friends have been intense. 

This makes me giggle every time!

We are lucky to have an extremely lovely and skilled social worker, whom we trust, guiding us through the process as well as all the lovely twitter tweeps providing advice, support and pearls of wisdom. I hassle them almost daily! 

Fourthly, and most crucially, my husband and I never wanted to see adoption as a last resort. It didn't sit right with us that we should try everything, and then, only then, when we have no other choice and have exhausted all other options, adopt a child. Adoption is not to be undertaken lightly. Parenting traumatised children is not, by all accounts, a walk in the park, to put it mildly! Yes,we wanted to see if it was possible to have our own children. I think had we not tried that would always have been a question I asked myself.....what if? At least now I know we gave it a shot. IVF is addictive in some ways and it sucks you in, but I think deep down I knew this wasn't our path. 

 So perhaps I feel this way because I have always thought it would end in adoption for us ,which made it easier to stop treatment.  The Adoption and Fostering building in my town was opposite a pub. When I first began 'going up town' drinking I would often look at it and think.... "I will be there one day". We always said that even if IVF was successful we would have looked at adoption for our 2nd child. Indeed, if you have read this blog from the beginning then you will see that it is a thread running all the way through. I do not like the thought that my children, if they were ever to ask, would find out that they were considered the last chance on our list of having children. We want them to know we always wanted them. Ultimately, we want to help, to give children who deserve it a home, a family, however challenging that maybe. After all, what better thing can you do in this life? 

So here we are. Happy, excited, terrified, following our own path and full of hope and love for our children, whoever they will be. 

*All thought and opinions, are, as always, my own.