(*disclaimer
– I am new to all this. I haven’t yet had these experiences, I’m just trying to
make sense of what I have learnt so far. If I have made any mistakes, incorrect
assumptions or anything else, I’m sure the experienced adoption community will
gently correct me, which I welcome gratefully).
I haven’t
written a post for a long time, simply for the reason that it is generally
therapy for me and I haven’t felt the need. But, now that we have finally began
Stage 2 of the adoption process, my thought and feelings have been brewing and
stirring and it’s time to try and formulate them into words.
Our
current topic at school is Fairy Tales. It got me thinking about the characters
in the stories – almost all had experienced trauma growing up. Cinderella –
neglected, treated cruelly, used as a slave. Snow White - again, treated
cruelly by her step mother, and abandoned; her father choosing his wife over
his daughter, also repeated in Hansel and Gretel, mirroring the frequent scenario
of mothers in abusive relationships choosing their partners over their children.
Rapunzel repressed and abused by her mother, the princess in Rumpelstiltskin
being forced into arranged marriage…I could go on but you get my gist. Most of
these stories end with, as we all know, as I teach my class of 4 year olds:
‘they all lived happily ever after’
Actually,
not for all of us mate.
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When we first started talking about adopting we thought
we would get our happy ending and, despite knowing that our children may
potentially have experienced some sort of neglect or abuse, we would love them,
fix them and we would all live happily ever after.
But through endless research, reading blogs, and the
adoption preparation days it is now very clear that it is simply not that
simple. Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel would have been left deeply traumatised
by their neglectful beginnings. They would struggle with issues of attachment, trust,
and anger. Cinderella, more likely than marrying her Prince Charming, would
have taken up with an equally abusive partner, due to her incredibly low self-esteem
and belief that she is worth nothing. They would struggle with impulsivity and
self-control as no one would have taught them those skills, amongst many other possible
issues.
The phrases ‘children
are resilient’ and ‘all children do
that’ crop up time and time again when I talk about adoption, demonstrating
a lack of understanding about the issues surrounding it (totally understandable
– I didn’t have a clue either – but a clear indication that more needs to be
done to educate others in how to support adoptive families.) Yes, children can
be resilient. Some of these children have
often endured more than you or I could ever possibly imagine. But that does not
mean they are not deeply hurting and deeply scared, in ways we will never
understand, and which manifests themselves in ways in which we can never make
sense of. And 'no, not all children do that'. Their early traumas means they
process the world in a very different way, and this is physiological, not a choice.
I am very grateful that the twitter community, who share
their daily tweets, insightful blogs, trials, tribulations and #glowmos (the
moments that would seem insignificant to most families but these small steps of
progress and moments of happiness which mean the world to their parents) –
which are helping to me prepare somewhat.
But, I am ashamed to say, I have been asking myself over
and over one question:
Can
I do this?
I
read the stories shared on twitter and put myself in their parent’s places, living
out the situations as best as I can imagine it. What would I do? What would I
say in that position? Can I be therapeutic enough? How will I cope?
Then,
I remind myself that it isn’t about me. These children did not choose their lives,
they were born into it and are trying to make sense of the world the best that
they can. If I can give a child a safe, loving environment to do that in then I
will just do my best to cope with the rest, whatever that is.
The
thought occured to me the other day that my children could be out there
somewhere, possibly scared, alone, hungry. And I felt heartbroken. But more importantly,
I felt fiercely protective of the little children I haven’t even met.
So
the answer to my question is
I
don’t know if I can cope, but I’m going to do my damndest.
Many thanks for voting me #7 in the top adoption blogs of 2016. What an honour!
